I always enjoy the time I spend with my soon-to-turn 93 year old Father-In-Law. It’s a marvel the way we two Yids in a pod are similarly amused and vexed. We enjoy sharing jokes and these are some of our latest from The Joys Of Yiddish:
Joel Goldstein wanted to join a Golf club that was restricted. He went to great lengths to hide his Jewish identity. He had his name changed to John Gray. He had surgery to remove his Semitic features. He gave money to Catholic Charities.
When he went for the interview, the committee asked, “What is your name?” He answered, “John Gray.” They asked, “What is your religion?” He answered, “Goyim.”
Two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a NYC deli talking in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter, only in New York for a year asked them in impeccable Yiddish if everything was okay and did they need anything?
The Jewish men were dumbfounded that he at his proficiency. When they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, “Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?”
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said, “Shhhh. He thinks we’re teaching him English.”
Three Bubbes sitting on a park bench. The first one lets out a heartfelt “Oy!” A few minutes later, the second Bubbe sighs deeply and says “Oy vey!” A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, “Oy veyizmir!” to which the first Bubbe replies: “I thought we agreed we weren’t going to talk about our children!”
For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the séance of Madame Freda. “Milty, she’s a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your Zayde who you miss so much!”
Milton could not resist. At the next séance at Madam Freda’s, Milty sat under the colored light, holding hands with the person on each side. All were humming, “Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom.”
Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. “My medium…Vashtri,” she called. “Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel” Milton Pitzel’s Zayde?” Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, “Grampa? Zayde?” “Ah, Milteleh?” a thin voice quavered. “Yes! Yes!” cried Milty. “This is your Milty! Zayde, are you happy in the other world?”
“Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your Bubbe, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!” Milty ask more questions and his Zadye answered each until he said “So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling.
Milty sighed, “Zadye, Can I ask one more question? When did you learn to speak English?”
A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play at school. His mother asked, “What is the part you will play, Saul?” Saul responded, “I shall play the Jewish husband,” to which the mother replied, “Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!”
A Catholic priest is called away by a family emergency one day, while on duty attending confession. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he asks his friend, a Rabbi from the synagogue across the street, if he can fill in for him.
The Rabbi says he wouldn’t know what to do, so the Priest agrees to stay with him for a few minutes and show him the ropes.
They enter their half of the confessional together and soon enough, a woman enters and says, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned.”
“What did you do?” asks the priest.
“I have committed adultery,” she replies.
“How many times?” continues the Priest.
“Three times.”
“Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more,” finishes the Priest.
The woman leaves and not long after a man enters and says, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned.”
“What did you do?”
“I have committed adultery.”
“How many times?”
“Three times.”
“Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more.”
The Rabbi tells the Priest he thinks he’s got it figured out now, so the Priest leaves, and the Rabbi waits until another woman enters the confessional, who says, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned.”
“What did you do,” asks the Rabbi.
“I have committed adultery,” she replies.
“How many times?”
“Twice.”
“I tell you what,” says the Rabbi. “Go do it one more time and come back. We got a special this week, three for $5!”
